by Sherri Lund
If you've experienced the death of someone special, chances are it impacted your behavior. Maybe you started working more or found that you couldn't focus on anything. Perhaps you cried a lot, or on the other hand, maybe you didn't cry at all.
Grieving is a personal thing. But when a family loses a loved one, somebody has to make important decisions and eventually settle the estate. By itself, the probate process is hard. When you combine probate tasks with grief, things can get really messy.
I recently came across The Mourner’s Bill of Rights and decided to share it here as a resource — not to deny this difficult season or imply that you need to do anything. I offer it as a mental health advocate. As you feel supported and your emotions a bit more balanced, you'll be in a better place to make important decisions. You’ll be ready to take on probate in a more efficient way.
In this article, we’ll address the following questions:
What is the Holmes and Rahe Stress scale?
What are the top 5 most stressful life events?
How does grief affect people?
What is the Mourner's Bill of Rights?
Where can I get help after a loved one dies?
If you're wondering why you're still having a hard time or expecting yourself to "get it together" in a few weeks keep reading. We're here to help.
“Their grief is in proportion to their affection…”
A portion of Jane Austen’s epitaph, written in 1817 by her brother, James.
What is the Holmes and Rahe Stress scale?
In 1967, psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe looked at over 5000 medical records to see if stressful events lead to illness. They published their results, and now the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale is widely accepted among psychologists, counselors, and health practitioners.
Holmes and Rahe identified 43 types of stressful benchmarks and called them Life Change Units. They ranked these Life Change Units according to their impact on patients' health.
What are the top 5 most stressful life events?
According to Holmes and Rahe, the top 5 most stressful life events are:
Death of a spouse
Divorce
Marital separation from mate
Detention in jail or other institution
Death of a close family member
Holmes and Rahe found that the most stressful event people face is the death of a spouse. The death of a close family member was just a few spots down in fifth place.
You can see the entire list here.
How does grief affect people?
How do grief and other emotions affect people? That's a question I started asking about twenty-five years ago. It was the main focus of my dissertation. I devoted years of my life to helping others process emotions. In my research and training, I found that strong emotions significantly impact us. They influence how well we think and sleep. And when it comes to probate and making important decisions about an estate, these are vital components.
Grief is complicated.
Grief is complicated. And it doesn't show up in the same way for everyone. Some people are more private and process things internally. Others need to talk things out. When you mix personalities and the various ways people process grief, it's no wonder family gatherings are so stressful after a loved one dies.
What is the Mourner's Bill of Rights?
The Mourner's Bill of Rights can be a helpful resource after the death of a loved one. It was written by Alan Wolfelt, an author and educator on grief and compassion.
Dr. Wolfelt wrote an article about the Mourner’s Bill of Rights for the counseling department at Oklahoma State University. Dr. Wolfelt said, "The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones."
The Mourner’s Bill of Rights
By Alan Wolfelt
As a bereaved person, you have certain rights that others must not take away from you. In fact, it is the very upholding of these rights that makes healing possible.
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. Don't allow others to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt, and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Know that there is no such thing as a "wrong" emotion. Accept all your feelings and find listeners who will do the same.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.
5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts."
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. Later rituals, such as lighting a candle for the person who died, can also be healing touchstones. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. You have the right to search for meaning.
You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories.
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find creative ways to embrace them.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.
For more information on Dr. Alan Wolfelt and the Center for Loss and Life Transition, visit www.centerforloss.com.
Since you've read this far, you're likely familiar with the feelings of grief. There are many: sadness, fear, perhaps guilt, anger, and more. Grief affects our behavior and can change the course of our life.
The grief you feel is more than just a loved one's passing. It's also what counseling professionals refer to as "secondary losses."
For example, a primary loss can be when a parent dies. Like a pebble thrown into water, the parent’s death is the major source of disruption.
Secondary losses were also set in motion at the time of death. Those things will also be missed moving forward. Things like companionship, finances, and family celebrations. These losses build up like layers of grief. It can feel like a heavy burden.
Normally, I write about probate, but the purpose of this article is to share ideas and resources to help families navigate the feelings they have after their loved one passed away. I especially want to support the spouse and Personal Representative of the estate.
These two individuals have important probate decisions to make. If their emotions are spinning, it will be hard for them to think straight. However, when they feel a bit more stable, they will be in a better place to take on probate issues.
Where can I get help after a loved one dies?
Death is stressful and grief is personal. It takes a while to work through it, but as The Mourner's Bill of Rights points out, you want to find people that can support you as you heal and move through grief.
We encourage you to reach out for help. Find someone that can support you: friends, family members, grief counselors, and more.
We share a list of resources and organizations in another article, Where Can I Find Help To Reduce Probate Stress In Harris County, Texas? (Some of the resources are local but many are available online.)
If you found this article helpful, I'd love to hear from you! You can fill out my Contact Form or DM me on Instagram at @willowwoodsolutions.
You might also be interested in:
Downloading a beautiful copy of The Mourner's Bill of Rights.
Our Resource Center offers support if you are going through the probate process or will start the process soon.
If you found this article helpful, I'd love to hear from you! You can reach me through the Contact page or message me on Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn. Be well!
Sherri Lund is a Certified Probate Expert, Life Coach, and mental health advocate. As the owner of Willow Wood Solutions, she uses her extensive training to provide thoughtful and compassionate guidance to Texas families in probate.
Disclaimer: Please note that Sherri Lund and Willow Wood Solutions do not offer legal services. Any information in this article is offered for educational purposes and should not be misconstrued as legal or medical advice. We recommend you seek the advice of an attorney, CPA, or tax attorney regarding any decisions about your probate in Texas.