And ONE thing you must NOT do
A Checklist for Someone Who Recently Lost a Loved One in Texas
by Sherri Lund
If someone close to you recently passed away and you’re wondering what needs to be done, you’ll find a checklist of practical things below. But first, please accept my condolences.
Going through probate is never an easy time but it’s especially hard when you’re also grieving someone you cared for. And it’s easy to feel scattered. My hope is that this list becomes a helpful resource.
Normally I write about wills, probate, and estates. But if you’ve just lost someone special, you need help with what you’ve got on your plate right now. Use this Checklist to narrow down all the things you could do so you can focus on what’s necessary. You might know someone else that could benefit from this article too.
The most important part of the probate process is people. We don’t want to lose sight of the individuals trying to navigate this difficult season. So, whether you end up in probate or not, I hope you find some helpful resources here.
In this post, you’ll find answers to questions like:
What do I need to do after someone passes away?
How can I use this checklist?
How do I take care of myself after losing a loved one?
What do I need to pay careful attention to after a loved one dies?
What must not be done after someone’s death, especially if I’m the Executor?
Where can I find resources on grief?
If you are overwhelmed with all there is to do after a loved one passes, keep reading. You’ll find ideas, tips, and suggestions on what to do, what not to do, and how to find emotional and financial support during this time. We’re here to help.
What are the top 10 things to do within the first week or so after someone dies?
These 10 things are mostly practical steps but you will also find tips on how to care for yourself and navigate your way through grief. There’s also one important (and often unknown) thing that you don’t want to ignore.
Before I get into the checklist of ten things, let me encourage you.
If someone that you love recently passed away, show yourself some compassion. Grief has a significant impact on us and causes us to cycle through times of shock, anger, sadness, and more. And it’s exhausting.
Your world, as you knew it, shifted; it’s normal to feel out of sorts. Take things one day at a time and use this checklist as a guide. Get a support team together and share this with them. Working through this together makes the tasks less burdensome.
I understand the importance of a support team. When my mom and dad passed away my support team became my lifeline.
Readjusting to life after someone dies takes a while. There are important tasks that need to be done in the days after someone dies, however, grief has its own timetable. And a supportive team can help you find your way again. See if you can find a balance between taking care of yourself and doing the things that need to be done.
How can I use this Checklist after someone dies?
You can use this checklist in a few ways:
Find the tips that you need most and start when them.
Use the list as a distraction. Those big feelings are real and need to be processed. It’s also okay to feel good about making progress on the To-Do list.
Share the list with someone who is grieving.
Between big emotions and a long To-Do list, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed after someone dies.
When my parents died, not only was I in shock that they were gone, I was also unaware of what to do with all their things. I had young children and felt flustered much of the time.
All my energy went to caring for the kids and dealing with my parent’s stuff. I didn’t think much about myself and that added to the problem. I stumbled through and did the best I could but the struggle was real. Having a list like this would have been helpful back then.
How can I take care of myself when I lose a close loved one?
If you’ve been on a plane, you’ve heard the flight attendant talk about the oxygen mask. They say to care for ourselves before helping someone else. This is also good advice for a person who has lost a loved one. It may seem illogical but it is true.
After someone special dies, it’s important to care for yourself even if you don’t feel like it. Your head, heart, and body are trying to deal with what’s happened. Supporting yourself with compassion is a gift you give yourself.
I promise to get to the practical list of things in a bit but these self-care tips are important too. You’re better equipped to help others when you support yourself first. You’re also able to make better decisions on important matters.
6 Ways to Take Care of yourself after someone dies:
Remember to breathe. Under stress, we tend to take shallow breaths. However, taking slow deep breaths helps us feel less anxious and more grounded. When you feel overwhelmed, try taking some deep breaths and see if it helps.
Drink water. Even if you don’t feel like eating, water is cleansing and supportive.
Rest. Emotional stress is exhausting. Strong emotions are part of the package when someone dies but they sap our energy. Take the time you need to recuperate. If you’re unable to nap, find a quiet place to relax and regroup. The hustle and bustle, the questions and decisions - they are all draining. You’re the only one who knows when you need a break. Make sure you take one.
Pace yourself. You’re just one person and you’ve been through a lot. Taking deep breaths and sipping water are two ways to slow racing thoughts and temper big feelings. What else could you do? Maybe, if the weather is nice, step outside and notice something lovely. What can you find to see, hear, or smell that reminds you that life is good? Your list of things to do can wait a few minutes. These simple self-care practices will fortify you so you can approach the checklist and get things done.
Designate a place for important things. Pick a desk or a countertop where you can keep a box or notebook. Write down things you want to remember because your brain can’t hold it all. Keep receipts, cards, and lists… anything you want. And ask others to respect it.
Allow others to help. There’s no reason for you to do everything. People will want to help so give them something to do. Let them shop or make phone calls. Someone may want to cook. Everyone processes grief and shows love in different ways.
Finally, choose someone special who will keep an eye on you. They’ll make sure you eat and drink as well as protect your time. Hopefully, they’ll have a listening ear and respect your need for privacy when you need to rest.
Self-care actions like these will help you to manage your emotions and feel more balanced. They aren’t one-and-done things. Instead, they’re intentional actions you can use in the weeks and months to come.
Now, having gone over the importance of caring for yourself after someone dies, it’s time to cover the practical list of ten critical things to do after someone dies.
Checklist of things to do after someone you love dies
(You can download a copy of the checklist here.)
See that any dependents and/or pets are cared for.
Notify closest family, friends, and clergy. Have one of them contact others. If you need to reach someone serving in the military, the American Red Cross can help with that. Request a grief counselor if needed.
Approve organ donation. Organ donation is time-sensitive so if your loved one wanted to donate organs, let hospital staff know immediately.
Locate important papers. Check the file cabinet, a personal safe, or a safe deposit box for the decedent’s final wishes. In addition to a Will or Trust, look for passwords and instructions for funeral, burial, or cremation.
Remember to reminisce. As you’re looking for papers and files, you’ll come across mementos. Take a little time to browse through photos, tell stories and let others tell theirs. Something special happens when we share these moments with others. You might start a journal to capture thoughts, feelings, and snippets of conversation.
Contact the probate attorney and the executor of the estate. Notify any and all power of attorney agents and trustees of the death. They may know of some of the decedent’s last wishes. They may also have information on available benefits. If there are any conflicts within this group, the probate attorney can assist you.
Make arrangements for the funeral, cremation, burial, and end-of-life celebration according to the deceased's wishes. Determine if benefits are available before visiting the mortuary. Financial benefits may be available if the decedent was a member of an organization, in the military, or on public assistance, for example. If the deceased died of Covid-19, they may be eligible for up to $9,000 in assistance from FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency. (Find that information here.) Invite someone supportive and practical when you go to the funeral home. They will help you make funeral plans. Prepare an obituary and schedule it. Consider a charity or two that you might want to support. Some people would rather donate than give flowers.
Protect, manage, and maintain the property. This includes a house, vehicle, business, and the like. Take photos of valuables such as guns, art collections, or jewelry and secure them. Do not commingle assets. Make sure the mail is collected and newspapers picked up. If you’re the Executor for the estate, consider changing the locks, especially if several people have keys. Have someone stay in the house during the funeral service.
Contact employers within a day or two (there may be benefits available). Notify extended family members and friends. See if someone can help you with this task.
Remember to go easy on yourself and others who are grieving. Take time to mourn. Self-care is important… both now and in the weeks and months to come.
Bonus tip: Here’s the one thing you DO NOT want to do after someone dies:
Do not take or disburse assets and property from the estate until you’ve been given permission. And don’t let others take things either.
This isn’t always easy to carry out, especially with sentimental and/or valuable objects. However, all of the property is part of the estate. The Personal Representative is responsible for all of the estate and will need to give account for it.
Where can I find resources on grief?
There are several good resources for grief support and more become available every year. Here are some ideas for you to consider:
As mental health advocates, we encourage you to find people and organizations to help you through this season of grief. You can find several in our Resource Center.
Find our article about The Mourner’s Bill of Rights.
Download The Mourner’s Bill of Rights from our Resource Center.
Grief Share is a Christian-based support group that offers a safe place to process your grief. If you’d like an online group for Grief Share, you can find one at Grief Guide Ministries.
Some coaches and counselors specialize in grief and you might find one that feels like a good fit for you. The pandemic really brought the benefits of counseling to the forefront and online sessions are convenient. If you need financial assistance for a counselor, your county may have a list. Grief counselors and coaches may work on a sliding scale and some churches have licensed counselors available.
If you are in Texas and need help with probate issues while you grieve, let us know. Reach out through our Contact page and tell us what you’re looking for.
Obviously, there are more than ten things to do after someone dies. I tried to shrink the list by putting the tips into categories.
If you found this article helpful, I'd love to hear from you! And if you have any feedback regarding this checklist or the information provided, please let me know that too.
Your feedback helps me improve the resources and keep the information relevant. You can share your thoughts on the Contact Form or message me on Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn. Be well!
You might be interested in some of our other resources:
For additional help with grief, check out the Mourning Bill of Rights article.
Our Resource Center has articles and tools if you need assistance with probate.
Sherri Lund is a Certified Probate Expert, Life Coach, and mental health advocate. As the owner of Willow Wood Solutions, she uses her extensive training to provide thoughtful and compassionate guidance to Texas families in probate.
Disclaimer: Please note that Sherri Lund and Willow Wood Solutions do not offer legal services. Any information in this article should not be misconstrued as legal advice. We recommend that you seek the advice of an attorney, CPA, or tax attorney regarding any decisions about your probate in Texas.