by Sherri Lund
Your first holiday without your loved one is hard. What once may have been a favorite time of year for you now raises complex feelings, and words like festive, joyful, and happy seem impossible in your loss. You might wonder how you can cope with the grief you feel.
My purpose here isn't to help you survive the holidays. I hope the tips and ideas shared within this article help you find meaningful ways to honor your loved one, tend to your loss, and even create some cherished moments.
In this article, we’ll address the following questions:
Am I grieving the right way?
How can I make it through the holidays after my loved one is gone?
What are secondary losses?
What tips can help me enjoy the holidays more?
What can I do to commemorate my loved one?
If you're about to go into your first holiday season after your loved one’s passing, I’m glad you’re here. Take a breath and fix your favorite beverage. Then come back and read this article through.
This holiday will be different, and it can be good. We're here to help.
The Holidays Are Hard When You're Grieving
Holidays are hard before grief enters the picture. We have ideas about how to spend our time and the activities we will do. We look forward to traditions and memory-making moments that delighted us in the past. We expect to feel love, acceptance, and belonging—a sense of community, even as the world changes.
Secondary Losses
The first holiday after a loved one passes can be incredibly challenging. Your significant person and their presence will be missed. They are the primary loss.
However, secondary losses show up because your loved one is gone. These include the loss of companionship and financial security. Maybe she made the party fun, or he led the singalong. Though smaller, these losses carry a deposit of grief that compounds the original loss.
The good news
This season will be different, and it can be surprisingly nice. You don't have to choose between grief and gratitude during the holidays. The human heart is amazing. It can withstand the sadness and loneliness you feel. And it can expand to also enjoy moments with others.
Allowing yourself to feel good doesn't minimize the importance of your person. If they were here, and because they loved you, they would want you to smile.
While you will feel your loved one's absence in so many ways, you may also be delighted by someone else's contribution.
7 Points to remember During The First Holiday Without Your Loved One
If you want to do less this season or cancel it altogether, you can. Just remember, isolating yourself can add to feelings of loneliness and has been linked to depression. Maybe you can find ways to balance being alone and with others.
If you want to change things up, it's okay. You can make new traditions or do something different this year. Nothing has to be set in stone.
Feeling out of sorts is normal when you miss the person you love. Pretending things are okay sends confusing messages and adds to the pain. So, be honest with yourself. Write about how you feel in your journal, and if possible, share with a trusted friend.
Listen to your body. Strong emotions drain our energy. They impact our emotional and mental health as well as our bodies. And when we're fatigued, we have less capacity than before. You might need to eat or sleep better. You may be more irritable or have a hard time concentrating. Acknowledge your feelings and go easy on yourself. Set yourself up so you can have the most enjoyable time with loved ones who are present.
Think about how you want to "be" during the season. Sometimes, the uncomfortable feelings of loss and grief cause people to seek comfort in unhealthy ways, perhaps overindulging or slipping back into addictive patterns. Spend some time thinking about what you want to do, what would bring you joy, and what positive memories you want to make. Sometimes, just having a plan helps. You can always change your mind and dismiss your plan.
Lean on safe relationships. Choose someone supportive and ask if you can lean on them in the days ahead. Grief is complicated and often misunderstood in our culture. If people feel awkward and don't know what to do with your sadness, they may withdraw, leaving you both feeling weird. However, if you have someone to act as a buffer, they can see your signals and help you through tough spots. You will appreciate and be strengthened by their compassion.
Ask for what you need. If you choose to attend a gathering, speak with the hosts to tell them what you might need. Let them know you look forward to coming and that you could have moments of sadness. You may need to step outside or go to another room. Preparing them beforehand helps them know what you need so they can provide it.
You're On A Healing Journey
An essential part of healing through grief in this season is acknowledging your loss. You may want to have a special moment to commemorate your loved one. You could do this on your own or with family and friends.
You can remember your loved one with something simple or elaborate—whatever you like. For example, you can make a special ornament or donate to a favorite charity. You can remember them by quietly sitting at the park or attending an event they enjoyed. If it feels right during your holiday get-together, you might:
Share stories about your loved one
Make a favorite dish
Look at photographs together
Experiencing loss with others can enrich relationships between family and friends. You may feel less lonely and more connected.
In summary
Facing your first holiday without your loved one will be challenging. And whatever you feel, it is okay. You'll have low moments and maybe some tears. There can also be sweet days and opportunities for joy.
The thing to remember is that you are unique, and there isn't a right or a wrong way to grieve. The loss impacted you, and you're doing your best to cope.
It is helpful to speak with a grief coach or counselor, and grief support groups are available. Knowing you aren't alone can make a world of difference.
There's another vital message that needs to be shared here:
“The reason we grieve deeply is that we have loved profoundly.”
You had the courage to love, take risks, and embrace so many facets of life with this person. Despite the pain of losing them, that kind of love is worthwhile.
Wishing you peace in the holiday season.
Sherri Lund
You might also be interested in:
Downloading Grief Guide: Suffering with loss during the holidays & managing addiction recovery.
Our Resource Center offers support if you are going through the probate process or will start the process soon.
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Sherri Lund is a Certified Probate Expert, Life Coach, and mental health advocate. As the owner of Willow Wood Solutions, she uses her extensive training to provide thoughtful and compassionate guidance to Texas families in probate.
Disclaimer: Please note that Sherri Lund and Willow Wood Solutions do not offer legal services. Any information in this article is offered for educational purposes and should not be misconstrued as legal or medical advice. We recommend you seek the advice of an attorney, CPA, or tax attorney regarding any decisions about your probate in Texas.